Mean Girls
by ClemmyclueIsMynumberoneBOO
Summary: the mean girls movie


preThis is your lunch, OK?

Now, I put a dollar in there

so you can buy some milk.

You can ask one of the big kids

where to do that.

You remember your phone number?

I wrote it down for you, just in case.

Put it in your pocket,

I don't want you to lose it.

OK? You ready?

I think so.

It's Cady's big day.

emI guess it's natural for parents to cry

on their kid's first day of school./em

emBut, you know, this usually

happens when the kid is ./em

emI'm and until today,

I was home-schooled./em

emI know what you're thinking.

"Home-schooled kids are freaks."/em

X-Y-L-O-C-A-R-P.

Xylocarp.

emOr that we're weirdly religious

or something./em

And on the third day, God created

the Remington bolt-action rifle

so that Man could fight the dinosaurs.

And the homosexuals.

\- Amen.

\- Amen.

emBut my family's totally normal./em

emExcept for the fact that both my

parents are research zoologists/em

emand we've spent the last

years in Africa./em

emI had a great life./em

emBut then my mom got offered tenure

at Northwestern University./em

emSo it was goodbye Africa

and hello high school./em

I'm OK. Sorry.

I'll be careful.

Hi.

I don't know if anyone

told you about me.

I'm a new student here.

My name is Cady Heron.

Talk to me again

and I'll kick your ass.

You don't wanna sit there. Kristen

Hadley's boyfriend is gonna sit there.

Hey, baby.

He farts a lot.

Hey, everybody.

Oh, God, I'm so sorry.

It's not you. I'm bad luck.

Ms. Norbury?

My T-shirt's stuck

to my sweater, isn't it?

\- Yeah.

\- Fantastic.

Is everything all right in here?

\- Oh, yeah.

\- So...

...how was your summer?

\- I got divorced.

My carpal tunnel came back.

\- I win.

\- Yes, you do.

Well, I just wanted to let

everyone know

that we have a new student joining us.

She just moved here

all the way from Africa.

Welcome.

\- I'm from Michigan.

\- Great.

Her name is Cady. Cady Heron.

\- Where are you, Cady?

\- That's me.

\- It's pronounced like Katie.

\- My apologies.

I have a nephew named Anfernee,

and I know how mad he gets

when I call him Anthony.

Almost as mad as I get

when I think about the fact

that my sister named him Anfernee.

Well, welcome, Cady.

\- And thank you, Mr. Duvall.

\- Well, thank you.

And...

...if you need anything or if you

wanna talk to somebody...

Thanks.

Maybe some other time,

when my shirt isn't see-through.

OK.

OK. Good day, everybody.

emThe first day of school was a blur./em

emA stressful, surreal blur./em

emI got in trouble for the

most random things./em

\- Where are you going?

\- Oh, I have to go to the bathroom.

You need the lavatory pass.

OK. Can I have the lavatory pass?

Nice try. Have a seat.

emI had never lived in a world

where adults didn't trust me,/em

emwhere they were always yelling at me./em

\- Don't read ahead!

\- No green pen!

No food in class!

I told you, I saw the whole thing.

\- Everything.

\- Did you see nipple?

\- It only counts if you saw a nipple.

\- That's true, dude.

emI had a lot of friends in Africa./em

What?

emBut so far, none in Evanston./em

Hey. How was your first day?

Is that your natural hair color?

\- Yeah.

\- It's gorgeous.

Thank you.

See, this is the color I want.

This is Damian.

He's almost too gay to function.

\- Nice to meet you.

\- Nice wig, Janis.

\- What's it made of?

\- Your mom's chest hair!

\- I'm Janis.

\- Hi, I'm Cady.

Do you guys know

where Room G is?

"Health, Tuesday/Thursday,

Room G ."

I think that's in the back building.

\- Yeah, that's in the back building.

\- Yeah, we'll take you there.

Thanks.

Watch out, please!

New meat coming through!

"Health. Spanish."

You're taking th-grade calculus?

\- Yeah, I like math.

\- Why?

Because it's the same

in every country.

That's beautiful. This girl is deep.

Where's the back building?

It burned down in .

Won't we get in some

sort of trouble for this?

Why would we get you into trouble?

We're your friends.

emI know it's wrong to skip class,

but Janis said we were friends./em

emAnd I was in no position

to pass up friends./em

emI guess I'll never know what I missed

on that first day of health class./em

Don't have sex. Because you

will get pregnant and die.

Don't have sex

in the missionary position,

don't have sex standing up.

Just don't do it, promise?

OK, everybody take some rubbers.

Why didn't they just keep

home-schooling you?

They wanted me to get socialized.

Oh, you'll get socialized, all right.

A little slice like you.

\- What are you talking about?

\- You're a regulation hottie.

\- What?

\- Own it.

How do you spell your

name again, Cady?

It's Cady. C-A-D-Y.

Yeah, I'm gonna call you Cady.

In the name of all that is holy, will you

look at Karen Smith's gym clothes?

Of course all The Plastics

are in the same gym class.

\- Who are The Plastics?

\- They're teen royalty.

If North Shore was emUs Weekly/em,

they would always be on the cover.

That one there, that's Karen Smith.

She is one of the dumbest

girls you will ever meet.

Damian sat next to her

in English last year.

She asked me how to spell "orange".

And that little one?

That's Gretchen Wieners.

She's totally rich because

her dad invented Toaster Strudel.

Gretchen Wieners knows

everybody's business.

She knows everything

about everyone.

That's why her hair is so big.

It's full of secrets.

And evil takes a human

form in Regina George.

Don't be fooled, because she may seem

like your typical selfish, back-stabbing,

slut-faced ho-bag. But in reality,

she is so much more than that.

She's the queen bee.

The star. Those other two

are just her little workers.

Regina George.

How do I even begin

to explain Regina George?

Regina George is flawless.

She has two Fendi purses

and a silver Lexus.

I hear her hair's insured

for $.

I hear she does car commercials.

In Japan.

Her favorite movie is emVarsity blues/em.

One time, she met John Stamos

on a plane.

And he told her she was pretty.

One time,

she punched me in the face.

It was awesome.

She always looks fierce.

She always wins Spring Fling Queen.

\- Who cares?

\- I care.

Every year, the seniors throw

this dance for the underclassmen

called The Spring Fling.

And whomsoever is elected

Spring Fling King and Queen

automatically becomes head of the

Student Activities Committee.

And since I am an active member

of the Student Activities Committee,

I would say, yeah, I care.

Damian, you've truly

out-gayed yourself.

Here. This map is gonna

be your guide to North Shore.

Now, where you sit in

the cafeteria is crucial

because you got everybody there.

You got your freshmen,

ROTC guys,

preps, JV jocks,

Asian nerds,

cool Asians,

varsity jocks,

unfriendly black hotties,

girls who eat their feelings,

girls who don't eat anything,

desperate wannabes,

burnouts,

sexually active band geeks,

the greatest people

you will ever meet

and the worst.

Beware of The Plastics.

Hey. We're doing a lunchtime

survey of new students.

Can you answer a few questions?

\- OK.

\- Is your muffin buttered?

What?

Would you like us to assign

someone to butter your muffin?

\- My what?

\- Is he bothering you?

Jason, why are you such a skeez?

I'm just being friendly.

You were supposed

to call me last night.

Jason. You do not come to a party

at my house with Gretchen

and then scam on some poor, innocent

girl right in front of us three days later.

She's not interested.

Do you wanna have sex with him?

\- No, thank you.

\- Good. So it's settled.

So you can go shave your back now.

Bye, Jason.

Bitch.

Wait. Sit down.

Seriously, sit down.

Why don't I know you?

I'm new. I just moved here from Africa.

\- What?

\- I used to be home-schooled.

Wait. What?

\- My mom taught me at home...

\- No, no.

I know what home-school is.

I'm not retarded.

So you've actually never been

to a real school before?

Shut up.

Shut up.

\- I didn't say anything.

\- Home-schooled.

\- That's really interesting.

\- Thanks.

But you're, like, really pretty.

\- Thank you.

\- So you agree.

\- What?

\- You think you're really pretty.

\- Oh, I don't know...

\- Oh, my God, I love your bracelet.

\- Where did you get it?

\- Oh, my mom made it for me.

\- It's adorable.

\- Oh, it's so fetch.

\- What is "fetch"?

\- Oh, it's, like, slang. From England.

So if you're from Africa...

...why are you white?

Oh, my God, Karen, you can't just

ask people why they're white.

Could you give us some privacy

for, like, one second?

Yeah, sure.

emWhat are you doing?/em

OK, you should just know

that we don't do this a lot,

so this is, like, a really huge deal.

We wanna invite you

to have lunch with us

every day for the rest of the week.

\- Oh, it's OK...

\- Coolness.

So we'll see you tomorrow.

On Wednesdays, we wear pink.

Oh, my God!

OK, you have to do it, OK?

And then you have to tell me all

the horrible things that Regina says.

Regina seems sweet.

Regina George is not sweet.

She's a scum-sucking road whore!

She ruined my life!

She's fabulous, but she's evil.

\- Hey, get out of here!

\- Oh, my God, Danny DeVito.

I love your work!

\- Why do you hate her?

\- What do you mean?

Regina. You seem to really hate her.

Yes. What's your question?

\- Well, my question is, why?

\- Regina started this rumor

\- that Janis was...

\- Damian! Shall we not?

Now, look. This isn't

about hating her, OK?

I just think that it would be, like,

a fun little experiment

if you were to hang out with them and

then tell us everything that they say.

\- What do we even talk about?

\- Hair products.

\- Ashton Kutcher.

\- Is that a band?

Would you just do it? Please?

OK, fine.

Do you have anything pink?

\- Yes.

\- No.

emBy eighth period, I was so happy

to get to math class./em

emI mean, I'm good at math.

I understand math./em

emNothing in math class

could mess me up./em

Hey, do you have a pencil

I can borrow?

emI've only had one other

crush in my life./em

emHis name was Nfume,

and we were ./em

emIt didn't work out./em

emBut this one hit me like a big,

yellow school bus./em

\- Cady, what do you say?

em- He was.../em

So cute.

I mean, A-sub-N equals

N plus one over four.

That's right.

That's good. Very good.

All right, let's talk

about your homework.

Hey. How was your second day?

\- Fine.

\- Were people nice?

\- No.

\- Did you make any friends?

Yeah.

emHaving lunch with The Plastics

was like leaving the actual world/em

emand entering "Girl World"./em

emAnd Girl World had a lot of rules./em

You can't wear a tank top

two days in a row,

and you can only wear your

hair in a ponytail once a week.

So I guess you picked today.

Oh, and we only wear jeans

or track pants on Fridays.

Now, if you break any of these rules,

you can't sit with us at lunch.

I mean, not just you. Like, any of us.

OK, like, if I was wearing jeans today,

I would be sitting over there

with the art freaks.

Oh, and we always vote before we ask

someone to eat lunch with us

because you have to be considerate

of the rest of the group.

Well, I mean, you wouldn't buy a skirt

without asking your friends first

\- if it looks good on you.

\- I wouldn't?

Right.

Oh, and it's the same with guys.

Like, you may think you like someone,

but you could be wrong.

A hundred and twenty calories and

calories from fat. What percent is that?

Forty-eight into ?

I'm only eating foods with less than

percent calories from fat.

It's percent.

Well, over

equals X over

and then you cross-multiply

and get the value of X.

Whatever. I'm getting cheese fries.

So have you seen any guys

that you think are cute yet?

Well, there's this guy

in my calculus class...

\- Who is it?

\- It's a senior?

\- His name's Aaron Samuels.

\- No!

Oh, no, you can't like Aaron Samuels.

That's Regina's ex-boyfriend.

They went out for a year.

Yeah, and then she was devastated

when he broke up

with her last summer.

I thought she dumped him

for Shane Oman.

OK, irregardless. Ex-boyfriends

are just off-limits to friends.

I mean, that's just, like,

the rules of feminism.

Don't worry. I'll never tell Regina

what you said.

It'll be our little secret.

We define the sum

of the infinite geometric series...

emEven though I wasn't

allowed to like Aaron,/em

emI was still allowed to look at him./em

emAnd think about him./em

emAnd talk to him./em

\- Hey, Aar...

\- Hey, you're the Africa girl, right?

\- Yeah.

\- I'm Kevin Gnapoor,

captain of the North Shore Mathletes.

We participate in math challenges

against other high schools in the state,

and we can get twice as much funding

if we've got a girl.

So you should think about joining.

\- Oh, you'd be perfect for it.

\- Yeah, definitely.

Great, great.

Let me give you my card.

OK, so think it over.

Because we'd like to get jackets.

OK.

Hey!

Get in, loser. We're going shopping.

emRegina's like the barbie doll

I never had./em

emI'd never seen anybody

so glamorous./em

\- So how do you like North Shore?

\- It's good.

I think I'm joining the Mathletes.

\- No! No, no.

\- No, no.

You cannot do that.

That is social suicide.

Damn, you are so lucky

you have us to guide you.

emBeing at Old Orchard Mall kind of

reminded me of being home in Africa./em

emBy the watering hole.

When the animals are in heat./em

Oh, my God, there's Jason!

Where? Oh, there he is.

\- And he's with Taylor Wedell.

\- I heard they're going out.

Wait. Jason's not going out

with Taylor.

No. He cannot blow you off like that.

He's such a little skeez.

Give me your phone.

\- You're not gonna call him, right?

\- Do you think I'm an idiot?

No.

\- Wedell on South Boulevard.

\- Caller ID.

Not when you connect

from Information.

em- Hello?/em

\- Hello.

May I please speak

to Taylor Wedell?

She's not home yet. Who's calling?

Oh, this is Susan from

Planned Parenthood.

I have her test results. If you can have

her give me a call as soon as she can.

It's urgent. Thank you.

She's not going out with anyone.

OK, that was so fetch.

Mom.

Your house is really nice.

I know, right?

Make sure you check out

her mom's boob job.

They're hard as rocks.

I'm home! Hey, Kylie.

Hey.

Hey, hey, hey!

How are my best girlfriends?

Hey, Mrs. George. This is Cady.

Hello, sweetheart.

\- Hi.

\- Welcome to our home.

Just want you to know, if you need

anything, don't be shy, OK?

There are no rules in this house.

I'm not like a regular mom.

I'm a cool mom. Right, Regina?

\- Please stop talking.

\- OK.

I'm gonna make you girls

a "hump day" treat.

This is your room?

It was my parents' room,

but I made them trade me.

Hey, put on ..

Cady, do you even know

who sings this?

\- The Spice Girls?

\- I love her.

She's like a Martian.

\- God, my hips are huge!

\- Oh, please. I hate my calves.

At least you guys can wear halters.

I've got man shoulders.

emI used to think there

was just fat and skinny./em

emApparently, there's a lot of things

that can be wrong on your body./em

\- My hairline is so weird.

\- My pores are huge.

My nail beds suck.

I have really bad breath

in the morning.

Hey, you guys.

Happy hour is from to !

Thanks.

Is there alcohol in this?

Oh, God, honey, no. What kind

of mother do you think I am?

Do you want a bit? If you're gonna

drink, I'd rather you do it in the house.

\- No, thank you.

\- OK.

So, you guys, what is the ?

What has everybody been up to?

What is the hot gossip?

Tell me everything.

What are you guys listening to?

What's the cool jams?

Mom.

\- Could you go fix your hair?

\- OK.

You girls keep me young.

Oh, I love you so much.

Oh, my God, I remember this.

\- I haven't looked at that in forever.

\- Come check it out, Cady.

It's our Burn Book.

See, we cut out girls' pictures

from the yearbook,

and then we wrote comments.

\- "Trang Pak is a grotsky little byotch."

\- Still true.

\- "Dawn Schweitzer is a fat virgin."

\- Still half true.

"Amber D'Alessio."

She made out with a hot dog.

"Janis Ian, dyke."

\- Who is that?

\- I think that's that kid Damian.

Yeah. He's almost too gay

to function.

That's funny. Put that in there.

emOh, no. Maybe that was only OK

when Janis said it./em

And they have this Burn Book

where they write mean things

\- about all the girls in our grade.

\- What does it say about me?

\- You're not in it.

\- Those bitches.

\- Will this minimize my pores?

\- No. Cady,

you gotta steal that book.

\- No way!

\- Oh, come on. We could publish it,

and then everybody would see

what an ax-wound she really is.

\- I don't steal.

\- That is for your feet.

Cady, there are two kinds

of evil people.

People who do evil stuff,

and people who see evil stuff

being done and don't try to stop it.

Does that mean I'm morally

obligated to burn that lady's outfit?

Oh, my God, that's Ms. Norbury.

I love seeing teachers

outside of school.

It's like seeing a dog

walk on its hind legs.

Hey, guys, what's up?

I didn't know you worked here.

Yeah, moderately priced soaps

are my calling.

\- You shopping?

\- No, I'm just here with my boyfriend.

Joking. Sometimes older people

make jokes.

My nana takes her wig off

when she's drunk.

Your nana and I have that

in common.

No, actually, I'm just here because

I bartend a couple nights a week

down at P.J. Calamity's.

Cady, I hope you do

join Mathletes, you know,

because we start in a couple weeks

and I would love

to have a girl on the team,

just, you know, so the team

could meet a girl.

\- I think I'm gonna do it.

\- Great.

You can't join Mathletes.

It's social suicide.

Thanks, Damian.

Well, this has been

sufficiently awkward.

And I'll see you guys tomorrow.

\- Bye.

\- Bye.

Oh, man, that is bleak.

So when are you gonna

see Regina again?

I can't spy on her anymore.

It's weird.

Come on, she's never gonna find out.

It'll be like our little secret.

\- Hello?

\- I know your secret.

emOh, God, busted./em

emJust start apologizing and crying.

No, play it cool./em

Secret?

What are you saying about?

Gretchen told me

that you like Aaron Samuels.

I mean, I don't care,

do whatever you want.

But let me just tell you something

about Aaron:

All he cares about is school

and his mom and his friends.

\- Is that bad?

\- But if you like him...

Whatever. I mean, I could talk

to him for you if you want.

Really? You would do that? I mean,

nothing embarrassing, though, right?

Oh, no, trust me.

I know exactly how to play it.

But wait. Aren't you so mad

at Gretchen for telling me?

\- No.

\- Because if you are,

you can tell me. It was a really

bitchy thing for her to do.

Yeah, it was pretty bitchy,

but I'm not mad.

I mean, I guess she just

likes the attention.

See, Gretch? I told you

she's not mad at you.

I can't believe you think

I like attention!

OK, love you. See you tomorrow.

emI had survived my first

three-way calling attack./em

emAnd with Regina's blessing, I started

talking to Aaron more and more./em

emOn October rd, he asked me

what day it was./em

It's October rd.

emTwo weeks later, we spoke again./em

It's raining.

Yeah.

emBut I wanted things to move faster./em

emSo I followed my instincts./em

Hey, I'm totally lost.

Can you help me?

em- But I wasn't lost./em

\- Yeah.

emI knew exactly what Ms. Norbury

was talking about./em

It's a factorial, so you multiply

each one by N.

emWrong./em

Is that the summation?

Yeah, they're the same thing.

emWrong. He was so wrong./em

Thanks. I... I get it now.

Lights, please.

OK. See you guys tomorrow.

We're having a Halloween party

at my friend Chris' tonight.

You wanna come?

Yeah, sure.

Great. Here's where it is.

It's a costume party.

People get pretty into it.

OK.

That flier admits one person only,

so don't bring some

other guy with you.

"Grool."

I meant to say "cool"

and then I started to say "great".

Right. Well... grool.

See you tonight.

Hey, Africa. You staying

for the Mathletes meeting?

Yeah, I'll be right back.

emOK, I lied. But I had to go home

and work on my costume./em

emIn the regular world, Halloween is

when children dress up in costumes/em

emand beg for candy./em

emIn Girl World, Halloween

is the one night a year/em

emwhen a girl can dress

like a total slut/em

emand no other girls can

say anything about it./em

emThe hard-core girls just wear lingerie/em

emand some form of animal ears./em

Doesn't she look great, honey?

\- What are you?

\- I'm a mouse.

emUnfortunately, no one told

me about the slut rule./em

emSo I showed up like this./em

Hey.

Yes! Yes!

Hey.

Why are you dressed so scary?

It's Halloween.

Have you seen Jason?

You know who's looking fine tonight?

Seth Mosakowski.

\- OK, you did not just say that.

\- What? He's a good kisser.

He's your cousin.

Yeah, but he's my first cousin.

\- Right.

\- So you have your cousins

and then you have your first cousins,

\- then you have your second cousins...

\- No, honey.

That's not right, is it?

That is so not right.

\- Hey!

\- Hey.

You made it.

And you are... a zombie bride.

An "ex-wife".

Love it. Can I get you

something to drink?

\- Yeah.

\- Be right back.

Thanks.

Karen, stop it.

\- Don't, Karen...

\- Hey, Seth!

Hey.

Oh, no.

Didn't anybody tell you?

You were supposed

to wear a costume.

Shut up. I need to talk to you.

\- You know that girl Cady?

\- Yeah, she's cool.

I invited her tonight.

Well, be careful because

she has a huge crush on you.

Really? How do you know?

Because she told me.

She tells everybody.

It's kind of cute, actually.

She's like a little girl. She, like,

writes all over her notebook,

"Mrs. Aaron Samuels."

And she made this T-shirt that says

"I heart Aaron"

and she wears it

under all her clothes.

\- Oh, come on.

\- Well, who can blame her?

I mean, you're gorgeous.

And OK, look, I'm not saying

she's a stalker,

but she saved

this Kleenex you used

and she said she's gonna do

some kind of African voodoo with it

to make you like her.

What?

emThis was it./em

emRegina said she would talk

to Aaron for me, and now she was./em

I know she's kind of socially retarded

and weird, but she's my friend,

so just promise me

you won't make fun of her.

Of course I'm not gonna

make fun of her.

emHow could Janis hate Regina?/em

emShe was such a good.../em

emSlut!/em

What are you doing?

You broke up with me.

That's crazy. Why would

I break up with you?

You're so hot.

That's a scary mask, bro.

emI had never felt this feeling before./em

emI could hear my heartbeat in my ears./em

emMy stomach felt like it was

going to fall out my butt./em

emI had this lump in my throat like

after you dry-swallow a big pill./em

emI hated Regina. I hated her!/em

She took him back.

Regina took Aaron back.

\- Oh, no, Cady.

\- Why would she do that?

Because she's a life-ruiner.

She ruins people's lives.

When we were she made

people sign this petition

\- saying that Janis was...

\- Damian! Please!

Look, she's not gonna get away

with this again, OK?

\- We're gonna do something.

\- We are?

Regina George is an evil dictator.

Now, how do you overthrow a dictator?

You cut off her resources.

Regina would be nothing without

her high-status man candy...

...technically good physique...

...and ignorant band of loyal followers.

Now, Cady, if we want this to work,

you are gonna have to keep hanging

out with them like nothing is wrong.

Can you do it?

I can do it.

OK, let's rock this bitch.

emPretending like nothing was wrong

turned out to be surprisingly easy./em

Regina wanted me to tell you that she

was trying to hook you up with Aaron,

but he was just interested

in getting her back.

And that's not Regina's fault.

\- No, I know.

\- OK, so you're not mad at Regina?

\- God, no.

\- Oh, OK, good.

Because Regina wanted me

to give you this.

It's called

the South Beach Fat Flush,

and all you drink is

cranberry juice for hours.

This isn't even cranberry juice.

It's cranberry juice cocktail.

It's all sugar.

\- I wanna lose pounds.

\- You're crazy.

Why do you wear your hair like that?

You hair looks so sexy pushed back.

Cady, will you please tell him

his hair looks sexy pushed back.

emRegina was dangling Aaron

in front of me on purpose./em

emI knew how this would be

settled in the animal world./em

emBut this was Girl World./em

Your hair looks sexy pushed back.

emAnd in Girl World,

all the fighting had to be sneaky./em

All this cranberry juice

is making me break out.

Wait. I have this really good

skin stuff I'll bring you.

OK.

emWe kept our eyes open

for opportunities for sabotage./em

Regina.

\- Here you go.

\- Thank you.

\- Hey.

\- Hey.

Your face smells like peppermint.

emThis is ass, you guys./em

It's been a month, and all we've done

is make Regina's face smell like a foot.

I've been really busy with choir.

We gotta crack Gretchen Wieners.

We crack Gretchen,

and then we crack the lock

on Regina's whole dirty history.

\- Say "crack" again.

\- Crack.

\- All right, let's reconvene tonight.

\- I can't.

I have to go to Regina's

to practice for the talent show.

\- We're doing a dance to this song...

\- "Jingle Bell Rock."

You guys know that song?

Everybody in the English-speaking

world knows that song.

They do it every year.

Well, I have to learn it.

Go.

\- Hey.

\- Why were you talking to Janis Ian?

I don't know, I mean, she's so weird.

She just, you know, came up to me

and started talking to me about crack.

She's so pathetic.

Let me tell you something

about Janis Ian.

We were best friends

in middle school.

I know, right?

It's so embarrassing.

I don't even... Whatever.

So then in eighth grade, I started

going out with my first boyfriend,

Kyle, who was totally gorgeous,

but then he moved to Indiana.

And Janis was, like,

weirdly jealous of him.

Like, if I would blow her off

to hang out with Kyle,

she'd be like,

"Why didn't you call me back?"

And I'd be like, "Why are you

so obsessed with me?"

So then, for my birthday party,

which was an all-girls pool party,

I was like, "Janis, I can't invite you,

because I think you're a lesbian."

I mean, I couldn't

have a lesbian at my party.

There are gonna be girls there

in their bathing suits.

I mean, right?

She was a lesbian.

So then her mom called my mom

and started yelling at her.

It was so retarded.

And then she dropped out of school

because no one would talk to her.

When she came back

in the fall for high school,

all of her hair was cut off

and she was totally weird,

and now I guess she's on crack.

Oh, my God!

I love your skirt.

Where did you get it?

It was my mom's in the 's.

Vintage. So adorable.

Thanks.

That is the ugliest F-ing skirt

I've ever seen.

Oh, my God, I love your bracelet.

Where did you get it?

So are you gonna send

any candy canes?

No. I don't send them,

I just get them.

So you better send me one, byotch.

Love you.

emI was definitely sending her one./em

emI was gonna use three candy canes

to crack Gretchen Wieners./em

Three, please.

"Why, Man, he doth bestride

the narrow world like a colossus"

might translate into

"Why is he so huge

and obnoxious?"

\- Candy cane-grams!

\- OK, hurry up.

Taylor Zimmerman?

Two for you.

Glenn Cocco?

Four for you, Glenn Cocco.

You go, Glenn Cocco.

And Cady Heron.

Do we have a Cady Heron here?

\- It's Cady.

\- Oh, Cady, here you go.

One for you. And none

for Gretchen Wieners. Bye.

Who's that from?

"Thanks for being such

a great friend. Love, Regina."

That's so sweet.

OK, back to Caesar.

emOnce Gretchen thought

Regina was mad at her,/em

emthe secrets started pouring out./em

emAll I had to do was wait for one

we could use./em

Thank you.

Welcome to the North Shore

High School winter talent show.

Let me hear you make some noise.

All right, settle down.

Our first act calls himself

a star on the rise.

Let's hear it for Damian.

Don't look at me.

emEvery day is so wonderful/em

I mean, why would Regina send

you guys candy canes and not me?

Maybe she forgot about you.

Yeah, Regina has been acting

kind of weird lately.

I mean, is something bothering her?

Well, I mean, her parents totally

don't sleep in the same bed anymore,

if that's what you mean.

Oh, my God.

Don't tell her I told you that.

emI am beautiful in every single way/em

emYes, words can't bring me down/em

emDon't you bring me down today/em

I mean, no offense,

but why would she send

you a candy cane?

She doesn't even

like you that much.

Maybe she feels weird around me

because I'm the only person

that knows about her nose job.

Oh, my God.

Pretend you didn't hear that.

emYo, yo, yo/em

emAll you sucker MCs

Ain't got nothing on me/em

emFrom my grades to my lines

You can't touch Kevin G/em

emI'm a Mathlete

So nerd is inferred/em

embut forget what you heard

I'm like James bond the Third/em

emShaken not stirred

I'm Kevin Gnapoor/em

emThe G is silent

When I sneak in your door/em

emAnd make love to your woman

On the bathroom floor/em

emI don't play it like Shaggy

You'll know it was me/em

embecause the next time you see her

She'll be like/em

em- Kevin G!/em

\- Thank you, Kevin, that's enough.

Happy holidays, everybody.

K.G. And the Power of Three.

That was something.

Does it bother you that they still

use your original choreography?

Shut up.

Damn.

\- What?

\- I'd rather see you out there

shaking that thing.

Gretchen, switch sides with Cady.

But I'm always on your left.

That was when there were three of us,

and now the tallest go in the middle.

But the whole dance

will be backwards.

I'm always on your left.

And right now you're getting

on my last nerve. Switch.

And finally,

please welcome to the stage

Santa's Helpers doing

"Jingle Bell Rock".

emJingle bell, jingle bell

Jingle bell rock/em

emJingle bells swing

And jingle bells ring/em

emSnowing and blowing

Up bushels of fun/em

emNow the jingle hop has begun/em

emJingle bell, jingle bell

Jingle bell rock/em

emJingle bells chime

In jingle bell time/em

emDancing and prancing

In Jingle bell Square/em

emIn the fr.../em

Jason?

emWhat a bright time

It's the right time/em

emTo rock the night away/em

emJingle bell time

Is a swell time/em

emTo go riding in a one-horse sleigh/em

emGiddyap jingle horse

Pick up your feet/em

emJingle around the clock/em

emMix and mingle in a jingling beat/em

emThat's the jingle bell/em

emThat's the jingle bell/em

emThat's the jingle bell rock/em

That was the best it ever went!

\- That was awesome.

\- Lip gloss.

\- Hey, good job, Africa.

\- Thanks.

Cady's blushing. Oh, my God.

\- You totally have a crush on that guy.

\- No, I don't.

That's why you wanted

to join the Mathletes.

Mathletes? You hate math.

Look how red she is.

You love him. And he totally

complimented you.

That is so fetch.

Gretchen, stop trying

to make "fetch" happen.

It's not going to happen.

"Why should Caesar get to stomp

around like a giant

"while the rest of us try not to get

smushed under his big feet?

"What's so great about Caesar?

"Brutus is just as cute as Caesar.

"OK, Brutus is just

as smart as Caesar.

"People totally like Brutus just

as much as they like Caesar.

"And when did it become

OK for one person

"to be the boss of everybody?

"Because that's not

what Rome is about!

"We should totally just stab Caesar!"

emGretchen Wieners had cracked./em

OK, if you even knew how mean

she really is.

You know that I'm not allowed

to wear hoop earrings, right?

Yeah. Two years ago, she told me

that hoop earrings were her thing

and that I wasn't allowed

to wear them anymore.

And then for my Hanukkah,

my parents got me this pair

of really expensive white-gold hoops.

And I had to pretend

like I didn't even like them,

and it was so sad.

And you know she cheats on Aaron?

Yes. Every Thursday he thinks

she's doing SAT prep.

But really, she's hooking up with

Shane Oman in the projection room

above the auditorium,

and I never told anybody that,

because...

...I'm such a good friend.

emJackpot. Gretchen's secret

had put the plan back in motion./em

emAfter Christmas break,

we tried every Thursday/em

emto help Aaron catch Regina

in the act./em

Hey.

Hey, what's up?

My purse!

Looks like he's headed

for the projection room

above the auditorium!

Coach Carr?

Trang Pak?

Guys, why did we think

we could do this? We're amateurs.

No, we just have to regroup.

Think outside our box.

What are Kälteen bars?

They're these weird

Swedish nutrition bars.

My mom used to give them to the kids

in Africa to help them gain weight.

They're these weird nutrition bars

my mom uses to lose weight.

Give me it.

It's all in, like, Swedish or something.

Yeah, you know, there's some

weird ingredient in them

that's not legal in the U.S. Yet.

\- Ephedrine?

\- No.

\- Phentermine.

\- No.

It burns carbs.

It just burns up all your carbs.

I really wanna lose pounds.

Oh, my God,

what are you talking about?

You're so skinny.

Shut up.

emThe weird thing about

hanging out with Regina/em

emwas that I could hate her,

and at the same time,/em

emI still wanted her to like me./em

OK. You have really

good eyebrows.

\- Thanks.

\- Move.

emSame with Gretchen.

The meaner Regina was to her,/em

emthe more Gretchen

tried to win Regina back./em

emShe knew it was better to be

in The Plastics, hating life/em

emthan to not be in at all./em

emBecause being with The Plastics

was like being famous./em

emPeople looked at you all the time,/em

emand everybody

just knew stuff about you./em

That new girl

moved here from Africa.

I saw Cady Heron wearing

Army pants and flip-flops,

so I bought Army pants

and flip-flops.

That Cady girl is hot.

She might even be hotter

than Regina George.

I hear Regina George

is dating Aaron Samuels again.

The two were seen canoodling

at Chris Eisel's Halloween party.

emThey've been inseparable ever since./em

emI was a woman possessed./em

emI spent about percent

of my time talking about Regina./em

emAnd the other percent

of the time,/em

emI was praying for someone

else to bring her up/em

emso I could talk about her more./em

She's not even that good-looking

if you really look at her.

I don't know.

Now that's she's getting fatter,

she's got pretty big jugs.

emI could hear people

getting bored with me./em

emBut I couldn't stop. It just kept

coming up like word vomit./em

I have this theory that if you cut all her

hair off, she'd look like a British man.

Yeah, I know.

You told me that one before.

Hey, I'm having an art show.

So why don't you take

a night off from your double life.

\- I want you to see it.

\- Coolness.

What is that smell?

Oh, Regina gave me some perfume.

You smell like a baby prostitute.

Thanks.

emMeanwhile, I was finding any excuse

I could to talk to Aaron./em

I don't get this.

Do you get any of this?

Nice job, Cady.

Kind of seems like you get it.

emIf I was gonna keep this going,

I was gonna have to really commit./em

Not your best.

Damn, Africa, what happened?

\- How'd you do?

\- Not so good.

You know, I think I need a tutor.

I'll tutor you, if you ever wanna get

together after school or something.

Do you think Regina would mind?

No. You guys are friends.

Well, maybe we just won't tell her.

So, what did you get for this one?

Well, the first time I did it,

I got a zero.

em- Wrong./em

\- But then when I checked it, I got...

...one.

em- There you go./em

I got one too.

Yeah, you have to check it

because sometimes the product

of two negative integers

is a positive number.

Yeah, like negative four

and negative six.

That's right. That's good.

Well, you're a good tutor.

Man, look, I... I can't do this.

\- It's not fair to Regina.

\- Why do you like her?

Look, I know she can be really

mean sometimes, but...

\- Then why do you like her?

\- Why do you?

Look, there's good and bad

to everybody. Right?

Regina's just...

\- She's just more up-front about it.

em- Oh, no. It was coming up./em

emThe word vomit.

I didn't mean to say it, but.../em

She's cheating on you!

What?

Did he say why?

Somebody told him

about Shane Oman.

Who?

He said some guy

on the baseball team.

Baseball team?

I gave him everything.

I was half a virgin when I met him.

You wanna do something fun?

You wanna go to Taco Bell?

I can't go to Taco Bell,

I'm on an all-carb diet.

God, Karen, you are so stupid!

Regina, wait. Talk to me.

\- Nobody understands me.

\- I understand you.

You're not stupid, Karen.

No. I am, actually.

I'm failing almost everything.

Well, there must be something

you're good at.

I can put my whole fist

in my mouth.

Wanna see?

No. That's OK.

Anything else?

I'm kind of psychic.

I have a fifth sense.

\- What do you mean?

\- It's like I have ESPN or something.

My breasts can always tell

when it's gonna rain.

Really? That's amazing.

Well, they can tell when it's raining.

emI have to admit,

I was mildly horrified/em

emwhen Aaron didn't immediately

ask me to be his girlfriend./em

emI mean, I know he was sad,

but how much time did he need?/em

emRegina had moved on./em

Do you guys need anything?

Some snacks?

A condom?

Let me know.

Oh, God love you.

emBut overall, the plan

was going pretty well./em

emAaron had dumped Regina,

and she was unknowingly/em

emeating calories a day./em

emIt was time to turn our attention

to the army of skanks./em

emAnd finally, the nominees for

Spring Fling Queen are as follows:/em

Regina George.

emGretchen Wieners./em

emJanis Ian./em

What is happening to the world?

emAnd the final nominee.../em

I couldn't help myself.

It was so easy.

em... is Cady Heron./em

Damian, you put me in there too?

That's not part of the plan.

I didn't put you in there.

You mean I'm really nominated?

emIn January, Regina had put

a Spring Fling dress on hold/em

emat a store called -./em

emBut being Plastic,

she needed our advice/em

embefore she could actually buy it./em

Can someone zip me up?

\- It won't close.

\- It's a .

OK, it must be marked wrong.

Cady, all I've been eating are

these Kälteen bars. They suck.

No, no, this is just how they work.

This is all your water weight.

First you bloat, and then you

drop pounds like that:

Well, the Kälteen bars

have burned up all your carbs,

and now your body's

just running on water.

But once the water's gone,

then you'll be all muscle.

It explains it all on the label.

You know Swedish?

Yeah, everyone in Africa

can read Swedish.

Ma'am, do you have this

in the next size up?

Sorry. We only carry

sizes and .

You could try Sears.

Cady.

I need your parents to sign this

so they know that you're failing.

Failing?

You know what's weird

about your quizzes, Cady,

is that all the work is right

and just the answers are wrong.

\- Really?

\- Really.

Cady, I know that having a boyfriend

may seem like the most important

thing in the world right now,

but you don't have to dumb yourself

down to get guys to like you.

em- How would you know?/em

\- I know,

"How would I know", right?

I'm divorced.

I'm broke from getting divorced.

The only guy that ever calls my house

is Randy from Chase Visa.

And you know why?

Because I'm a pusher.

I push people.

I pushed my husband into law school.

That was a bust.

I pushed myself

into working three jobs.

And now I'm gonna push you

because I know

you're smarter than this.

Thanks, Ms. Norbury.

And if there's anything I can do

for extra credit, please let me know.

Oh, I will.

I hate her! I mean, she's totally

failing me on purpose

because I didn't join

those stupid Mathletes!

She was so queer.

She was like, "I'm a pusher, Cady.

I'm a pusher."

What does that even mean?

\- Like a drug pusher?

\- Probably.

She said she works three jobs.

You know, I bet she sells drugs

on the side

to pay for her pathetic divorce.

You let it out, honey.

Put it in the book.

emI know it may look

like I'd become a bitch,/em

embut that's only because

I was acting like a bitch./em

Hey, I called you last night.

How come you didn't call me back?

Oh, I got busy. Sorry.

So you need a ride to my art show

this weekend?

No. I have to go to Madison

with my parents.

I'm so sorry.

Well, you wanna

watch a movie tonight?

Can't. I'm doing major

Plastic sabotage tonight.

But we don't have anything

planned for tonight.

Oh, I planned this one on my own.

Love you. Bye.

Gretchen thinks you're mad at her

because she's running

for Spring Fling Queen.

Oh, my God, I'm not mad at her.

I'm worried about her.

I think somebody nominated her

as a joke or something.

And when nobody votes for her,

she's gonna have a total meltdown.

And who's gonna have

to take care of her? Me.

So you don't think

anyone will vote for her?

Cady, she's not pretty.

I mean, that sounds bad,

but whatever.

The Spring Fling Queen

is always pretty.

And the crazy thing is

is that it should be Karen,

but people forget about her

because she's such a slut.

Anyway, I gotta go.

I'm going to bed.

Well, she's not mad at you.

\- Hold on.

\- Are you OK?

\- Hello?

\- If someone said something bad

about you, you'd want me

to tell you, right?

\- No.

\- What if it was someone

you thought was your friend?

What are you...?

Hold on. Other line.

\- I'm not taking this anymore.

\- Good for you, Gretch.

\- Hello?

\- Let's go out.

OK. Hold on. I'm on the other

line with Gretchen.

Don't invite Gretchen.

She's driving me nuts.

\- Hold on.

\- OK, hurry up.

It's Regina.

She wants to hang out with me

tonight, but she told me not to tell you.

Do not hang out with her.

\- Why?

\- You don't want me to tell you.

You can tell me. Hold on.

Oh, my God,

she's so annoying.

Who is?

\- Who's this?

\- Gretchen.

Right. Hold on.

\- Oh, my God, she's so annoying.

\- I know. Just get rid of her.

OK. What is it?

Regina says everyone hates you

because you're such a slut.

She said that?

You didn't hear it from me.

\- Little harsh, Gretch.

\- Whatever. She has a right to know.

I can't go out.

I'm sick.

Boo. You whore.

Regina,

we have to talk to you.

Is butter a carb?

Yes.

Regina, you're wearing sweatpants.

It's Monday.

\- So?

\- So that's against the rules

and you can't sit with us.

Whatever. Those rules aren't real.

They were real

that day I wore a vest.

\- Because that vest was disgusting.

\- You can't sit with us!

These sweatpants are all

that fits me right now.

Fine.

You can walk home, bitches.

Watch where you're going, fat-ass!

emGretchen and Karen followed me

around all afternoon./em

\- So, what are we doing this weekend?

\- Yeah, what are we doing?

Oh, I have to go to Madison

with my parents.

What...?

We have tickets for this thing.

\- What?

\- What?

emWas I the new queen bee?/em

I can try and get out of it.

\- Yeah.

\- Yeah. Yeah.

Because I told my friend Janis

I'd go to her art show.

We've had these tickets for months.

You love emLadysmith Black Mambazo/em.

But she's my friend,

and I made her a promise.

I think Cady's old enough

to spend one night on her own.

emI had learned how to control

everyone around me./em

Hey. I'm having a small get-together

at my house tomorrow night.

\- Is Regina going?

\- No. Do you think I'm an idiot?

No, it's just gonna be

a few cool people,

and you better be

one of them, byotch.

\- Fine, I'll go.

\- Shut up.

I love that shirt on you.

emAaron Samuels was going to be

in my house at my party./em

emEverything had to be perfect./em

emAnd this time when Aaron saw me,/em

emI wouldn't be caught

in some ridiculous costume./em

Hey, guys.

\- You look awesome!

\- You look awesome!

I know, right?

OK, so I got enough cheese

and crackers for eight people.

Do you think that's enough?

\- Yeah.

\- Yeah. Oh, yeah.

OK.

emIt was not enough./em

emSomehow, the word had gotten out

about my small get-together./em

Jason is here with Taylor Wedell.

He's just using her

to make you mad.

\- Have you guys seen Aaron yet?

\- No.

Dude, put on

"The Ramayana Monkey Chant".

\- Do I know you?

\- Deek! What up, dog?

She thinks she's gonna have

a party and not invite me?

\- Who does she think she is?

\- You're right, hon.

I, like, invented her,

you know what I mean?

Jason.

I have to talk to you.

Whatever.

\- I love you.

\- I know, I know.

Hey! Put that down!

emWas Aaron blowing me off?/em

What's up?

Gretchen came to talk to me.

em- Oh, no./em

\- Look,

I don't wanna hurt your feelings,

but I only date women of color.

I have to pee.

Get out.

\- Hey.

\- Hey.

I've been looking

for you everywhere.

Me too.

You look...

\- New clothes?

\- Thanks.

You wanna go downstairs?

No, no. Let's stay here.

Thanks for getting me

to come out tonight.

Yeah, sure, no problem.

I wasted too much time

being pissed off at Regina.

No more liars.

I would never lie to you.

I know, I know.

Although...

OK, listen.

I mean, I did lie to you once,

but you're totally gonna laugh

when I tell you, so...

Tell me what?

I pretended to be bad at math

so that you'd help me.

But the thing is,

I'm not really bad at math.

I'm actually really good at math.

You're kind of bad at math.

Anyways, now I'm failing.

Isn't that funny?

Wait. You're failing on purpose?

That's stupid.

No. Not on purpose.

Just, you know...

I just wanted a reason to talk to you.

So why didn't you just talk to me?

Well, because I couldn't.

Because of Regina.

Because you were her property...

\- Her property?

\- No. Shut up. Not her property...

No, don't tell me to shut up.

\- I wasn't...

\- God, you know what?

You are just like a clone of Regina.

Oh, no, no, listen to me.

You're not listening to me...

emOh, no. It was coming up again.

Word vomit. No, wait a minute.../em

\- What is this?!

em- Actual vomit./em

Aaron!

Aaron, wait! Just...

OK. Call me.

\- Oh, God.

\- You dirty little liar.

I'm sorry. I can explain.

Explain how you forgot

to invite us to your party?

Janis, I cannot stop this car.

I have a curfew.

You know I couldn't invite you.

I had to pretend to be Plastic.

Hey, buddy, you're not

pretending anymore.

You're Plastic.

Cold, shiny, hard Plastic.

Curfew, a.m. It is now :.

Did you have an awesome time?

Did you drink awesome shooters

and listen to awesome music,

and then just sit around and soak up

each other's awesomeness?

You're the one who made me like this

so you could use me

for your eighth-grade revenge.

God! See, at least me and

Regina George know we're mean.

You try to act like you're so innocent.

Like, "Oh, I used to live in Africa

"with all the little birdies

and the little monkeys."

You know what? It's not my fault

you're in love with me or something!

\- What?!

\- Oh, no she did not!

See? That is the thing

with you Plastics.

You think that everybody

is in love with you,

when actually, everybody hates you.

Like Aaron Samuels, for example.

He broke up with Regina

and guess what.

He still doesn't want you.

So why are you still messing

with Regina, Cady? I'll tell you why.

Because you are a mean girl!

You're a bitch!

Here. You can have this.

It won a prize.

And I want my pink shirt back!

I want my pink shirt back!

Hon, slow down.

It's like I can't trust anyone anymore.

Why are you eating a Kälteen bar?

\- I'm starving.

\- Man, I hate those things.

Coach Carr makes us eat those when

we wanna move up a weight class.

What?

They make you gain weight like crazy.

Mother...

This girl is the nastiest skank bitch

I've ever met.

Do not trust her. She is a fugly slut!

I found it in the girls' bathroom.

It's so mean, Mr. Duvall.

Is this true?

Trang Pak made out with Coach Carr?

Good Lord.

What's that say?

"Kaitlyn Caussin is a..."?

Fat whore.

OK, calm down, Miss George.

Why would someone write that?

That's just so mean.

Don't worry, we're gonna

find out who did it.

There's only three girls

in the whole school who aren't in it.

At your age, you're gonna

be having a lot of urges.

You're gonna want to take off

your clothes and touch each other.

But if you do touch each other,

you will get chlamydia. And die.

Coach Carr.

Cady Heron, they wanna see you

in the principal's office.

All right, chlamydia. K-L-A...

In here, Miss Heron.

\- What's going on?

\- Have a seat, Miss Heron.

\- Have you ever seen this before?

\- No.

I mean, yes, I've seen it before,

but it's not mine.

You better get your story straight,

Miss Heron,

because I'm not messing

around here.

It's not ours, it's Regina's.

Yeah, she's trying to make it look

like we wrote it, but really, she wrote it.

Miss Wieners, why would Regina

refer to herself as a "fugly slut"?

Miss Smith, this is no time

to be laughing.

We're gonna get to the bottom

of this right now.

Maybe we're not in that book,

because everybody likes us.

And I don't wanna be punished

for being well-liked.

And I don't think my father,

the inventor of Toaster Strudel,

would be too pleased

to hear about this.

"Made out with a hot dog"?

Oh, my God, that was one time!

"Dawn Schweitzer has a huge ass"?

Who would write that?

Who wouldn't write that?

"Trang Pak made out

with Coach Carr"?

And so did Sun Jin Dinh.

Hey! Hey! Settle down!

All right, hey.

No. You do not push and sh...

Do you have anything else

you wanna say?

No, I can't answer any

more questions

until I have a parent

or lawyer present.

Miss Smith?

Whoever wrote it probably didn't

think anyone would ever see it?

I hope that nobody else

ever does see it.

Mom, can you pick me up?

I'm scared.

\- "Janis Ian, dyke"?

\- That's original.

\- "Too gay to function"?!

\- Hey!

That's only OK when I say it.

\- Did you write this?

\- No, I swear!

\- Then you told somebody!

\- She told!

\- You little bitch!

\- You're a bitch!

Yeah! Take your top off!

\- Now, here's what we're gonna do...

\- Ron, come quick!

They've gone wild.

The girls have gone wild.

emIt was full-tilt jungle madness./em

emAnd it wasn't going away./em

Hey, I pulled these two off each other.

Coach Carr, step away

from the underage girls.

Let me help you down there.

Hell, no! I did not leave

the Southside for this!

Oh, crap! My hair!

All junior girls report to the gymnasium

immediately! Lmmediately!

emHave you ever walked up to people/em

emand realized they were just

talking about you?/em

emHave you ever had it happen

times in a row?/em

emI have./em

Never in my years as an educator

have I seen such behavior.

And from young ladies.

I got parents calling me on the phone

asking, "Did someone get shot?"

I ought to cancel your Spring Fling.

No!

\- No.

\- What are we supposed to do?

Now, I'm not gonna do that,

because we've already paid the DJ.

But don't think that I'm not taking

this book seriously.

Coach Carr has fled school property.

Ms. Norbury has been

accused of selling drugs.

Now, what the young ladies

in this grade need

is an attitude makeover.

And you're gonna get it right now.

I don't care how long it takes,

I will keep you here all night.

We can't keep them past .

I will keep you here until .

Now, what we're gonna try to do

is fix the way you young ladies

relate to each other.

OK? Lady to lady.

So who has a lady problem

that they'd like to talk about?

Yes?

Somebody wrote in that book

that I'm lying about being a virgin

because I use super-jumbo tampons.

But I can't help it if I've got

a heavy flow and a wide-set vagina.

Yeah, I can't do this.

Ms. Norbury.

You're a successful, intelligent,

caring, graceful woman.

I am?

There has to be something

you can say to these young ladies.

Something to help them

with their self-esteem?

It's not a self-esteem problem.

I think they're all pretty

pleased with themselves.

OK.

OK. Everybody close your eyes.

I want you to raise your hand

if you have ever had a girl

say something bad

about you behind your back.

Open your eyes.

Now, close your eyes again.

And this time, I want you to raise

your hand if you have ever

said anything about a friend

behind her back.

Open them.

There's been some

girl-on-girl crime here.

OK. So, what we could do today

is a couple exercises to help you

express your anger in a healthy way.

Let's start over here.

emMs. Norbury had us confront

each other directly/em

emabout the things

that were bothering us./em

emAnd it seemed like every clique

had its own problems./em

You've been acting really stuck-up

ever since you switched to shortfielder.

And Dawn agrees with me.

\- Dawn?

\- Don't drag me into this,

I'm pitching tomorrow.

OK. Good.

Can I just say that we don't have

a clique problem at this school?

And some of us shouldn't have to take

this workshop, because some of us

are just victims in this situation.

That's probably true.

How many of you

have ever felt personally

victimized by Regina George?

Good. OK, who's next?

Who's next?

Cady.

Do you have anything

you wanna own up to?

emYes.

No./em

You never made up a rumor

about anybody?

emJust that you sell drugs./em

No.

Nothing you want to apologize for?

emI couldn't apologize to Ms. Norbury/em

emwithout getting blamed

for the whole burn book./em

No.

I'm really disappointed in you, Cady.

OK, so we're all here

because of this book, right?

Well, I don't know

who wrote this book,

but you all have got to stop

calling each other sluts and whores.

It just makes it OK for guys

to call you sluts and whores.

Who here has ever been called a slut?

OK, everybody up.

emMs. Norbury had us

write out apologies/em

emto people that we'd hurt in our lives./em

"Alyssa, I'm sorry I called you

a gap-toothed bitch.

"It's not your fault

you're so gap-toothed."

"Gretchen,

"I'm sorry I laughed

at you that time you got diarrhea

"at Barnes and Noble.

"And I'm sorry I told everyone about it."

And I'm sorry for repeating it now.

Laura, I don't hate you

because you're fat.

You're fat because I hate you.

I just wish we could all get along

like we used to in middle school.

I wish that I could bake a cake

made out of rainbows and smiles,

and we'd all eat it and be happy.

She doesn't even go here!

Do you even go to this school?

No. I just have a lot of feelings.

OK, go home.

Sharon, I think you're doing

a great job.

Thanks. I feel like I'm getting through.

I'm sorry that people

are so jealous of me.

But I can't help it that I'm popular.

Oh, my God! Oh, jeez.

OK, walk it off. Walk it off.

OK. That hurt.

They're OK.

They're OK.

Oh, boy. OK, who's next?

Who's next? Keep it going.

Oh, my God. It's her dream come true,

diving into a big pile of girls.

OK, yeah, I've got an apology.

So I have this friend

who is a new student this year.

And I convinced her that it would be

fun to mess up Regina George's life.

So I had her pretend

to be friends with Regina,

and then she would come

to my house after

and we would just laugh about

all the dumb stuff Regina said.

And we gave her

these candy bar things

that would make her gain weight,

and we turned her best friends

against her.

And then... Oh, yeah, Cady...

You know my friend Cady.

She made out

with Regina's boyfriend

and then convinced him

to break up with her.

Oh, God, and we gave you foot cream

instead of face wash.

God! I am so sorry, Regina.

Really, I don't know why I did it.

I guess it's probably because

I've got a big lesbian crush on you.

Suck on that!

emJanis! Janis! Janis! Janis!/em

Regina!

Regina, wait! I didn't mean

for that to happen.

To find out that everyone hates me?

I don't care.

Regina, please! Regina, stop!

No! Do you know

what everyone says about you?

They say that you're

a home-schooled jungle freak,

who's a less-hot version of me.

Yeah. So don't try to act so innocent.

You can take that fake apology

and shove it right up your hairy...

emAnd that's how Regina George died./em

emNo, I'm totally kidding.

But she did get hurt./em

emSome girls say they saw her head

go all the way around./em

emBut that's just a rumor.

Some people swear they saw me/em

empush her in front of the bus.

That was an even worse rumor./em

\- Everybody done?

\- No. Mom, I didn't do it.

I don't know what to believe anymore.

Mom, believe me.

I'm your daughter.

Why are my tribal vases

under the sink?

My tribal vases.

Why were they under the sink?

I don't know.

This is the fertility vase

of the Ndebele tribe.

\- Does that mean anything to you?

\- No.

Who are you?

Great. All my friends hate me,

and now my mom hates me.

Your mom does not hate you.

She's afraid of you.

I don't know, maybe we

mainstream-schooled you too soon.

Maybe you should come back and

be home-schooled again for a while.

No. Only thing worse than

going back will be not going back.

How bad's it gonna be tomorrow?

Remember when we saw those lions

fighting over the wart hog carcass?

I'll be the wart hog.

You're not a wart hog,

you're a lion.

Just focus on your studies

for a little while.

You're still an excellent student, right?

Oh, yeah. I need you to sign

my calculus test.

\- Why?

\- I'm failing.

OK. You are...

What do they call it?

Grounded.

You're grounded.

She pushed her in front of the bus.

Did you see her do it?

Yes.

Did your teacher ever try to sell you

marijuana or Ecstasy tablets?

\- No.

\- What are marijuana tablets?

What's going on?

Where's Ms. Norbury?

Mr. Duvall, this is ridiculous.

Ms. Norbury does not sell drugs.

I know, Aaron. But after

the allegations against Coach Carr

turned out to be extremely true,

the school board felt that it was best

that we investigate every claim made

in this Burn Book.

That book was written

by a bunch of stupid girls

who make up rumors

because they're bored

with their own lame lives.

Well, unless someone wants to come

forward and say, "I made it all up",

this is how we have to handle it.

To say that someone...

emOh, no. Bye, Aaron.

You're gonna hate me forever./em

Mr. Duvall.

I wrote it.

Come on, Cady.

emWhen you get bit by a snake,/em

emyou're supposed to suck

the poison out./em

emThat's what I had to do.

Suck all the poison out of my life./em

emI started with Regina,/em

emwho was living proof that the more

people are scared of you,/em

emthe more flowers you get./em

emThen there was Ms. Norbury,/em

emwho was living proof that no

good deed goes unpunished./em

Oh, hi. Did you wanna

buy some drugs?

\- I'm just done with my quiz.

\- Wait. I'll grade it right now.

I gotta say, watching the police

search my house

really was the cherry on top

of a fantastic year.

How much trouble did you get in

for telling the truth?

A lot.

You didn't write that whole book

yourself.

Did you tell Mr. Duvall who else did it?

No, because I'm trying

this new thing

where I don't talk about people

behind their backs.

That's all right. Getting hit by a bus

is pretty good punishment.

Ninety-four.

Welcome back, nerd.

Thanks.

Anyway...

...I'm sorry.

I forgive you.

But as my own personal

form of punishment,

I figured out how you're gonna

earn that extra credit.

What's up?

Excellent. Great turnout this year.

\- All right. It's all you.

\- OK.

\- Make me look good out there.

\- OK.

Marymount, you sons of bitches.

You no-good sons of bitches.

\- You nervous?

\- Yes.

Don't be. You can do this.

There's nothing to break your focus,

because not one of those

Marymount boys is cute.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

Welcome to the Illinois High School

Mathletes State Championship.

Let's start the competition.

Here is the first question.

Twice the larger of two numbers

is three more than five times

the smaller, and the sum

of four times the larger

and three times the smaller is .

What are...?

\- North Shore?

\- Fourteen and five.

That is correct.

Question number two.

Find an odd three-digit number

whose digits add up to .

The digits are all different, and the

difference between the first two digits

equals the difference between...

\- Marymount?

\- Correct.

em- Shoot. I was really rusty./em

\- Where's Cady?

\- She went out.

She's grounded.

Are they not allowed out

when they're grounded?

Don't forget to vote for Spring Fling

King and Queen, people.

These A-holes will represent you

for a full calendar year.

I'm gonna vote for Regina George

because she got hit by that bus.

I'm voting for Cady Heron

because she pushed her.

She's supposed to be grounded,

but he let her out.

After minutes of very

competitive play, we have a tie.

In the event of a tie, we move

into a sudden-death round.

Each team is given the opportunity

to choose their opponent.

\- North Shore, who do you select?

\- The girl, dude. The girl.

Contestant Krafft.

From Marymount,

Miss Caroline Krafft.

We pick the girl too.

And from North Shore,

Miss Cady Heron.

It's Cady.

Oh, my God, that's me.

emMiss Caroline Krafft seriously

needed to pluck her eyebrows./em

emHer outfit looked like it was picked out

by a blind Sunday school teacher./em

emAnd she had some -cent

lip gloss on her snaggletooth./em

emAnd that's when I realized,

making fun of Caroline Krafft/em

emwouldn't stop her

from beating me in this contest./em

Contestants,

find the limit of this equation.

emCalling somebody else fat

won't make you any skinnier./em

emCalling someone stupid

doesn't make you any smarter./em

emAnd ruining Regina George's life

definitely didn't make me any happier./em

emAll you can do in life is try to solve

the problem in front of you./em

\- The limit is negative one.

em- Oh, crap. I lost./em

That answer is incorrect.

Now, we are in a sudden death.

If Miss Heron can answer

this problem correctly,

we have a winner.

emLimits. Why couldn't I remember

anything about limits?/em

emLimits. That was the week

Aaron got his hair cut./em

emOh, God, he looked so cute.

OK, focus, Cady./em

emWhat was on the board

behind Aaron's head?/em

emIf the limit never approaches

anything.../em

The limit does not exist.

The limit does not exist!

Our new state champions,

\- the North Shore Mathletes.

\- Yeah!

How do you like me now?

You like that? Yeah!

Get some! Get some!

Awesome. You went

with the leather sleeves.

\- Africa, you did the damn thing.

\- Thanks.

Thanks, K.G.

We're gonna look so kick-ass

in these when we roll into Spring Fling.

\- Oh, no, I'm not going.

\- What?

Cady, this is your night.

Don't let the haters

stop you from doing your thang.

Did you just say "thang"?

Cady, you don't have to punish

yourself forever.

But I'm grounded.

You're already out.

All right, do we have all

of our nominees

for king and queen on the stage?

OK, good. I just wanted to say

that you're all winners.

And I could not be happier

that this school year's ending.

Here we go. The winner

of the Spring Fling King,

\- Shane Oman.

\- Yes!

That's what I'm talking about!

And your Spring Fling Queen,

future co-chair

of the Student Activities Board

and winner of two gift certificates

to the Walker Brothers

Pancake House,

Cady Heron.

Where is Cady?

There she is.

Thanks.

Well, half the people in this room

are mad at me.

And the other half only like me

because they think I pushed

somebody in front of a bus.

So that's not good.

You know, it's not really required

of you to make a speech.

I'm almost done, I swear.

To all the people whose feelings

that got hurt by the Burn Book,

I'm really sorry.

You know, I've never been

to one of these things before.

And when I think about

how many people wanted this

and how many people

cried over it and stuff...

I mean, I think everybody

looks like royalty tonight.

Look at Jessica Lopez.

That dress is amazing.

And Emma Gerber, I mean,

that hairdo must have taken hours,

and you look really pretty.

So...

...why is everybody stressing

over this thing?

I mean, it's just plastic.

Could really just...

Share it.

A piece for Gretchen Wieners,

a partial Spring Fling Queen.

A piece for Janis Ian.

Seriously, most people

just take the crown and go.

And a piece for Regina George.

She fractured her spine,

and she still looks like a rock star.

Thank you.

And some for everybody else.

God, Mr. Duvall, can you wrap it up?

Thanks.

All right, have a good time, everyone.

Look. I'm a queen.

As am I.

\- Hey.

\- Hey.

So are we still in a fight?

Are you still an asshole?

I don't think so.

Well, then I guess we're OK.

Oh, my God, I love this song!

I hate this song.

I know this song!

Man candy, stage right.

\- Hey, what's up?

\- Hey. Didn't think you'd make it.

On behalf of the senior class, I'd like to

present you with two gift certificates...

\- Thanks, sucker.

\- Yo, peace.

One gift certificate to

the Walker Brothers Pancake House.

Thank you.

Congratulations on winning State.

I was so nervous.

They made us do limits.

I thought I was gonna hurl.

\- How's your stomach now?

\- It's fine.

\- Do you feel nauseous at all?

\- No.

\- Have you been drinking?

\- No.

OK.

Grool.

No.

\- What's up?

\- Can I help you?

You Puerto Rican?

Lebanese.

I feel that.

emIn case you're wondering,

The Plastics broke up./em

emRegina's spine healed,

and her physical therapist/em

emtaught her to channel

all her rage into sports./em

emIt was perfect because

the jock girls weren't afraid of her./em

emKaren used her special talents to do

the morning weather announcements./em

Hi. This is Karen Smith.

It's degrees,

and there's a percent chance

that it's already raining.

emAnd Gretchen found herself

a new clique/em

emand a new queen bee to serve./em

emAaron went to Northwestern,

so I still get to see him on weekends./em

emAnd me?/em

emI had gone from home-schooled

jungle freak to shiny Plastic/em

emto most hated person in the world

to actual human being./em

Hey.

emAll the drama from last year

just wasn't important anymore./em

emSchool used to be like a shark tank,

but now I could just float./em

Regina.

emFinally, Girl World was at peace./em

Hey, check it out. Junior Plastics.

emAnd if any freshmen

tried to disturb that peace.../em

emWell, let's just say we knew

how to take care of it./em

emJust kidding./em

/pre 


End file.
